Okay, I know what you’re thinking. Scheduling the smoosh? Eww! I used to feel the same way, Sis. Whenever that was suggested by relationship experts in women’s magazine articles, I didn’t care how many benefits they listed. I. wasn’t. Doing it.
That’s not sexy.
That’s not romantic.
That’s a vibe killer.
That makes it feel like a chore.
That’s not spontaneous.
That’s what old people do.
That would be the end of my sex life!
That’ll never be me!
I was a newlywed and figured I was doing just fine on my own. And I was…until my son arrived. Yep, he landed smack in the middle of us. His cute, hot little body was all nestled up between us for six weeks. Next, I went back and forth to his nursery, feeding him through the night.
Then came the night terrors, dealing with exhaustion, balancing motherhood and my career and my business, blending up baby food, organizing a baby group, trying to establish an identity outside of mommyhood, fighting for me-time. Allat!
So, please tell me, who in the world still had the time (or energy) for sex?! I’m not saying it wasn’t still important to us, but we were physically drained. So, even when we managed to fit in a quickie, it felt more like checking a to-do item off the list for both of us. It lacked passion. And we could just forget about finding time for foreplay.
Once my daughter arrived three years later and my side business took off, we were both sleep-starved, energy-deprived, and delirious daily. The days between sex often slipped into long weeks. The more time that passed between our love sessions, the more guilt we felt. Eventually, guilt transitioned into flat-out avoidance!
We were both lost in our separate thoughts and opinions about why we were failing to get down. For me, I thought he no longer found me attractive. Turns out, he thought I didn’t desire him either. The bigger the time gap grew between our physical intimacy, the bigger the issue became. By the time we really started trying to figure things out, I was surprised we still fit in the bed with that elephant wedged between us.
After we finally talked and discovered how we felt, we devised a plan to address our love drought issue.
Rule One: Speak up when you want it or feel like it’s been too long!
Rule Two: Establish a reasonable bedtime for the kids
Rule Three: Go to bed together at least three times per week (by the time he came upstairs for the night, I was often asleep)
Rule Four: Forego TV in order to have sex within one hour of the kids bedtime (we’d always be too tired by the time we turned in for the night)
Rule Five: Flirt shamelessly all day on our scheduled sex night
Rule Six: Make time for foreplay and stimulation (most men are visually stimulated and most women are emotionally stimulated by romance and feeling seen)
Rule Seven: Wear lingerie for him at least twice per week
Rule Eight: Manscape regularly
Rule Nine: Set the mood with candles and music
Rule Ten: Be freshly showered in order to fully explore one another with no limitations or hesitation, but if we couldn’t, we would still let go of our inhibitions and honor our commitment
So your list may not look anything like mine and it’s not supposed to. Talk to your partner to create a list of terms you both can agree on. That’s the only way to get on the other side of this.
Now that we make the time to take the time, I can tell you that it regulates our relationship, makes sex a priority for us, and it creates a healthy sexual habit. So don’t knock it ‘til you try it!
Remember that the biggest challenge of having consistent sex is getting started. If you wait too long to initiate it, shame, fear, and embarrassment can set in and they’re the biggest vibe killers known to mankind! So do your best to keep them out of your bedroom and focus on what matters – making sexy time with your boo a top priority.
Congrats in advance. I see mind-blowing sex and passion in your future, Sis 😉