Okay, sis. It’s time for some deep exfoliation! In other words, I may be about to get under your skin. Sorry, not sorry.
But, all jokes aside, you’re probably reading this blog because you’ve had enough of your current situation and are looking for something that better suits your needs. First and foremost, I want to make it clear that I’m not judging anyone who is happily involved in a situationship. If that’s what you want, I fully support you doing what makes you happy. But if you’ve found that you are no longer happy and are brave enough to make a change, that deserves praise. So congratulations on taking the first step on your journey of pursuing a committed relationship. I’m elated that you recognize the value of what you want and understand that even if you love your partner, their treatment of you no longer meets your standards. Now it’s time to do some self-examination and correct your mindset to ensure you don’t fall back into old patterns that no longer suit you. Let’s get to work.
First things first, let’s examine what a situationship is. Simply put, it’s a romantic relationship that lacks a definitive status and commitment. Situationships often start off as a matter of convenience or because of short-term circumstances. One or both parties may be aware that they are involved in a situationship. The terms of the arrangement are normally upfront, but if degrees of dishonesty, delusion, or denial are involved, a person may believe they’re in a monogamous, committed relationship, when they’re actually caught in the throes of a situationship. Whew, but that’s another blog topic for another day, chile.
Nine times out of ten, we are in a situationship with our damn selves (catch that dirt). So the work you will be doing is introspective in nature. Does that mean I’m going to beat you up, make you feel guilty, blame you, or shame you? No, no, no, and no! Quite the opposite, friend. I would like you to spend some time thinking about why you have been attracting people into your life who refuse to offer you the commitment you feel you deserve. Once you determine that, you will be ready to address, unpack, and examine any underlying issues before starting a new relationship.
Keep in mind, this work should be done to avoid dragging old raggedy baggage into the potential of something new, shiny, and exciting. So, you can flirt and have fun, but I recommend leaving that crush right where they are while you do your self-work. They’ll be there when you’re done. And if they aren’t, chalk it up to the timing being off. #nextlifetime
Now, grab a notebook or journal and get ready to dive in!
7 Inner Work Journal Prompts
1. What standards have I been setting for my relationships? Think about any past relationships that you believe have failed or didn’t work out the way you wanted them to. Next, create a detailed list answering the following questtions:
- What did I settle for or experience that I did not want or like?
- What did I allow to happen in my relationships that I would not want for my current or future child(ren)?
- What did I deserve to feel, experience, and believe about myself? About the status of my relationship? Was that what I received? Why or why not?
2. Do I have a positive self-outlook? Study your pure reflection in the mirror. Not the gassed-up version with makeup and lashes, just your bare face.
Next, create detailed responses for the following questions:
How do I really feel when I look in the mirror?
What do I pick up in my voice when I speak?
What is my self-image?
Is this how I feel others see me?
Is that a good or bad thing?
3. What are my current goals and needs? What do I need right now? Don’t think past the immediate future. Next, create detailed responses for the following questions:
What feeling or belief about my life would make me happy right now?
What am I currently lacking in my life that urgently needs to be fulfilled?
Am I equipped to give myself the daily love and attention that I deserve?
Would a romantic relationship complement me or distract me from the pursuit of my goals?
What qualities do I need in a partner to ensure that I’m not distracted from reaching my goals?
4. What am I willing to lose, sacrifice, or walk away from for my own happiness? It’s time to set some clear boundaries, sis.
Create a detailed list of non-negotiables, starting with:
Which types of mindsets, habits, and behaviors will I not tolerate in my relationships going forward?
Which qualities do I expect my partner to possess from the beginning?
Will love always be enough or do I want more from a relationship?
Am I willing to leave a toxic relationship when love is involved? If not, which safety measures can I put in place to protect myself at all times?
5. Are there any underlying issues, baggage, or trauma that I still need to address? Spend some time here and think hard about what’s holding you back from demanding more from your relationships.
What do I feel most anxious about?
Which parts of my life do I avoid talking about?
What are the recurring unfavorable themes in my life?
Am I still grieving a past relationship, sudden death, or abandonment?
More specific questions:
Do I have trouble trusting others because I fear I’ll be hurt? Is it possible that I’m emotionally unavailable or tend to love others who are?
Do I need constant external validation and reassurance to feel safe?
Do I avoid experiencing complicated feelings?
Do I feel like the relationship is over after a simple argument?
6. Do I feel too comfortable or complacent to demand more from my partner? Think about whether complacency or a fear of rocking the boat and ending up with no one at all may be stifling you from speaking up on the things that matter to you.
Do I ever allow myself to be pacified by my partner’s empty promises? Why or why not?
Do I ever ignore or condone behavior from my partner that undermines my beliefs or my perceived self-value? Why or why not?
Would I rather settle for a relationship that does not completely fulfill me than to be alone?
7. Do I give my partner relationship benefits in exchange for situationship treatment? Think about whether you may be striving to treat your partner like a King/Queen only to have your needs constantly placed at the bottom of their priority list.
Am I using the Golden Rule in my relationship or the Platinum Rule, meaning, do I treat my partner how I would like to be treated or how they have expressed they would like to be treated? (Is it possible that they don’t desire the treatment and commitment that I am giving them)
Am I putting a title on a situation that does not deserve one? (Have they earned my love, devotion, and exclusivity?)
Do I have short or long-term goals that are not shared by my partner?
Am I committed to “fixing” my partner by attempting to convince them of the value of being in an exclusive relationship with me?
These are some great first steps to determining where you stand with yourself and whether you are equipped to handle everything that comes with a healthy, long-term relationship. After journaling on these topics, check out some self-care tips to focus on as a healthy next step in your journey of self-discovery. Above all, keep your focus on putting yourself first and everything else will follow suit. Take your time healing, sis. The King/Queen you deserve will be happy to wait for you. No doubt.