It’s important to me to create blogs and stories that women from all walks of life and all stages of relationships can relate to. Whether you’re between relationships, in a new one, in a long-term one, married, divorced, or you’re not looking for one at all, I’ve got you. It’s a bonus when I can write a blog that applies to us all. And I believe this is one of them.
So, Sis. Be real with me. When was the last time you dated yourself?
And no, I’m not referring to a #selfcareSunday or spa day with the girls. I’m asking about the last time you took time out for a series of dates aimed to get to know yourself better. To let you know how far I am from holding a position of judgment, just know that my own answer is not neva!
Which serves as my inspiration for writing this blog.
We live in a society that expects women to put themselves not only at the bottom of their priority lists, but underneath the damn thing. If we’re being real, our needs come dead-ass last, and often. So, with the intensity of everyday life, coupled with a, the need to constantly be superwoman, b, hiding critical needs which others may label as weaknesses, and c, getting by on fumes, we’re often left parched and running our fingers along the sides of a drained teacup. I point this out because our priority should be keeping the contents of said cup for ourselves and serving the rest of the world from the saucers that catch our overflow.
Let me know if any of this sounds familiar.
Personal intimacy is necessary for our personal wellbeing and the health of our personal relationships. Simply put, if you’re deprived, then so are your external relationships.
A few symptoms of lacking personal intimacy are:
- Self-withdrawal. This includes not being real with ourselves about our needs, desires, feelings, or current state of being.
- Judging ourselves based on what we assume others are doing, being, accomplishing, or experiencing. This includes criticizing ourselves and entertaining imposter syndrome.
- Guarding ourselves against ourselves or denying ourselves approval due to fear of judgment. This includes rejecting pleasurable activities or experiences and failing to check in with ourselves regularly.
First, I’ll get into some of the benefits of dating yourself then I’ll jump into the details of how to make it happen sooner than later.
Authentic Openness
Acceptance
Validation
Ability to Become Your True Self
(and be comfortable with you, too)
Even if you feel you can check off each item on the list, I encourage you to read on. Personal intimacy is no more a destination than a successful, happy relationship is. It’s a journey that requires constant work, Sis. Real work. And you’re more than worth it, so settle in and let’s get down to business.
Tips For Dating Your Whole Fine Self 😜
- ENCOURAGEMENT: Employ positive self-talk whenever and however possible. Provide the validation you deserve by speaking positively about and to yourself. If you’re a fan of the hit HBO series Insecure, you know how dope it was when Issa Dee rapped those mirror messages to get herself hyped up. It’s time for you to hit the mirror with those hot bars, Sis!
- Instead of calling a friend for a confidence boost, listen to your own pre-recorded self-affirmations (I keep a library full of them for every occasion)
- Make a reverse bucket list and remind yourself of how dope you are. Instead of writing down all of the things you hope to one day achieve like a bucket list, a reverse bucket lists consists of all the boss things that you’ve already accomplished
- Put on your favorite freakum dress and talk shit in the mirror while twerking. Before you judge, it’s hella effective – and fun!
- Spend time doing something you’re really good at (for me, it’s writing and dancing)
- THERAPY: Create a healthy platform to explore your thoughts. Take some time to better understand yourself and how you feel about where your life is headed.
- Dig deep and uncover what’s holding you back from achieving things that are important to you. Then come up with an action plan with clear action items
- Analyze where you are in your personal relationships. Create a list of critical conversations you may need to have with others to seek explanations, gain closure, and purge nonproductive relationships
- Make a plan to clear up any misconceptions others may have of you by having a candid conversation (if you feel the need to)
- QUALITY TIME: Schedule personal intimate time on an ongoing basis. Learn to enjoy your own company. Block off time on your calendar, then have fun with different events each quarter, month, or week.
Take a warm, sexy bath with candlelight and music
Read a steamy novel for an evening
Give yourself a soothing massage
Schedule a sexy glamour photo shoot
Treat yourself to a day at the spaTake yourself out for a romantic dinner - CLARITY: Reflect, process, and digest. Every day, we experience a lot of shit. The best thing we can do for ourselves is to allow ourselves time to process it. Figuring out how you really feel about things is critical for growth, gaining understanding, and healing. Do yourself a favor and listen to yourself.
Meditate daily to explore your thoughts and clear out mental space
Journal about the things you’re still stuck on and need to move on from
Suggested journal topics include:
What’s new? Just like you’d ask a friend, check in with yourself to determine how you feel about what’s been going on in your life. What do I want to see happen in my life? What’s my favorite quality about myself? What’s my favorite recent accomplishment (you can start off small, then see where the list goes). - APPRECIATION: Study yourself in the mirror (nude observation is optional). Really study yourself and focus only on the things you love. Then learn how to accept, like, then love the things about yourself that you don’t. Learn to look at yourself just like you look at those you love and adore the most.
- CELEBRATION: Get more familiar with what you bring to the table and your overall worth. You can take inventory of your current talents and celebrate them. Then develop new ones by committing to mastering a new skill or hobby you’ve always wanted to try. You’re a multi-talented beast. So get comfortable with tooting your own horn and soft flexing. It just doesn’t feel the same if someone else has to always do it for you.
See how simple these were? Use this as a solid start for nurturing a healthy habit of daily self-love and celebration. Here’s to a long, happy relationship…with yourself.
How do you show love to yourself? Share in the comments.
